Lastnight was one of those nights where you cry and learn a lot.
I have such a hard shell on my heart. Not just against others, but myself really. I didn’t ever think I’d be that person. I prefer to believe I am open-hearted, confident and don’t care what others think. I’m discovering there is a lot more there than meets the eye. Through lots of patience and tweaking of my own mind and habits, I have wholly opened myself up to very few, but still, I can’t open myself up to….me.
I’m realizing, that with each situation of conflict that urges me to open myself up, and admit to myself “Hey, I’m wrong and things are ok” , I am more likely to morph that situation into something bigger that tries to blame anyone else or anything. I make excuses, point out the flaws in someone else thinking it’s them that needs to change, hurt myself by burying feelings that need to be talked about, and hurt others while doing so. I simply cannot live this way anymore.
While running around everyday, I am stuck in my head. And I never rest easy. Even after I clock out and get home, I stay there, up in my mind. I have plenty of evening time to practice some self care, clear my head and energy, but I’m constantly looking for the next room to organize, fancy meal or cocktail to experiment with, blog to devour, project I won’t finish. Bottom line, I will create any excuse in the world so I don’t have to sit with myself in meditation, or do yoga, or play around with my crystal healing, etc….Somehow I make it so rearranging and organizing my craft corner easier than just sitting my ass down for yoga.
In some ways…it may be. Then I don’t have to face the trains of thought that cause me so much stress. I don’t have to delve into my soul to realize what I am and am not. I don’t have to let go of my patterns that make me “who I am right now”.
At the root of it all, I know it’s fear based. As are most humanly problems. But fear is good. I trust that, I GET it, we need fear in order to stay safe and balanced. Unfortunately, outside influences of EVERY kind have warped this into something to fear…Yes, we fear fear itself!
I fear mindfulness and self discovery and opening up because I may find I need to change…some more.
I fear letting go of my old patterns, because then I become vulnerable to even MORE that I’m afraid of.
I fear that if I say what I want to say, people won’t recognize or care.
I fear the looks of un-acceptance from anyone who may not understand the way I live, or when I try to offer what I have to offer.
I fear no one, aside from those special few, is willing to commit to me as much as I commit to them.
I fear and feel when I try to make friends, and open myself up to others to form a closer connection, I sense that nothing I do for that is recognized enough to be reciprocated.
I fear being left out, or missing out.
Now…for some deeper truth….
I am perfect, just as I am, right now.
I have so much love and light to offer the world.
People DO appreciate what I offer!
I love myself.
I love myself.
(Repeat after me)
I. LOVE. MYSELF.
I meditate daily with some rose quartz, malachite and selenite to bring some self love, strength, healing and light into my life. I’ve been wearing jasmine to feel confident, lovely and kind. I breathe to help find some clarity, some peace…..
I breathe to drop out of my mind and into my truest self.
I may still be searching for her….but I trust she is waiting to flourish.