The other night I was in a situational event that I used to enjoy thoroughly. However, these days I see it as something to just get through. Right in the middle of the event, I just gave up and became *blah*. I was disappointed. I was tired of feeling this way. There wasn’t any satisfaction because I’m so caught up in the burdens I’m holding onto. And though it’s been a slow progress, all of this darkness is revealing itself to me, placing me upon the turning point where I absolutely have to take action to prevent myself from falling, and prolonging the process of ever getting back up. 

All of a sudden, I realized the burden of all my stress came from all of the work on my image I was doing. My realization of why and how I’m giving my power away has also been on my mind a lot. All I’ve done recently is compare my online presence to others. Comparing myself and everything I do to other instagrams, websites, and even yoga teachers!! All for what? I want people to perceive me in the best way possible to like me, to hire me. I overcompensate for others feelings and thoughts ALL of the time. I feel like in the world of health and wellness, there is this expectation to always have a pretty and present feed, always sharing what is “real”, to have the cleanest, streamlined website layout, to stay relevant, to stay this sort of glutenfree/vegan/plantbased/smoothieloving/adaptogenhoarding/onlyorganic/alwaysdoingyoga BEING. But WHAT THE EFF.

To me…..that is not real. It doesn’t feel authentic to be like that. Because damn. I love Ben and Jerry’s, (Particularly Urban Bourbon, just so you know) my body doesn’t seem to agree with being vegetarian at the moment, and I can’t afford a cabinet of motherf*cking ADAPTOGENS. Until CareOf, I couldn’t even afford my doctor-recommended supplements! And while I practice my yoga on and off the mat, the last time I fit in a 1.5 hour, full Ashtanga practice was 2 weeks ago.

I seem to have created this toxic framework in my mind, slowly building it piece by piece for my whole life, with each choice I make, each moment I decide to make excuses for someone despite myself feeling slighted. I added a piece every time I decided to stay quite, instead of speaking up for myself. Everything seems to be linking together and making sense now. I see some of the karmas I must rise above and fulfill in this lifetime.

I have decided to surrender to the darkness, not in the sense of giving up, but finally allowing myself to FEEL it. Let it tell me what it needs to tell me. So, I’ve been practicing doing the best with what I am given each day, and trying to let that be enough.

I do my sun salutations, and sometimes that’s all I have time for. I am often crying during my forward folding sequence. But I walk with Smidge and Nolan every. single. morning, and that is the most grounding thing we can do for each other.

I have eaten 3 pints of Ben and Jerry’s in a week, but I actually rarely buy ice cream for the house. (They were on sale for $3…just sayin’)

I am not blissfully yoga-happy all of the time. Often, I am quite the moody b*tch at home. But I am trying to slow down my movements, my speech and my reactions.

I have been vegetarian since March, after a feeling during training that I have no right to consume another being, but I became sick a few weeks ago and realized I needed the carnivorous nutrition for a little bit, until I can figure out what supplement I’m missing.

Deep down, I realize true success comes from authenticity, truthfulness and letting my light shine through as brightly as I can.

Part of me longs so badly to be back in India, to get back to the feeling of freedom, peace and knowing firmly everything will be taken care of, that all is coming.  But India can’t supply that. Only my yoga practice can. If I were to run away to India, or anywhere for that matter, it would be for the wrong reasons. I’d be running from my karmas, and one day they are bound to rise up again so I can 0face them head on.

Now is the time. Always. I must test the depths of my strength here, and one day, peace will be attainable. But the goal is not to attain peace. The goal is to just listen with mindful awareness to what is within right now, peaceful or not. When I can hone in on that skill of observing the observer with no judgement, premonitions or goals, only then, peace is felt.

Because this moment is all we truly have.

Hari Om, Tat Sat ~ The divine is here and now